Nasty

 

Ramblings of a Retired Mind

Nasty

I have been thinking about the word nasty for the past few days.

At some point in life, everyone encounters a nasty person. What troubles me is that over the past decade, we as a society seem to have grown more tolerant—perhaps even more accepting—of nasty behavior. We have conditioned ourselves to believe that it is acceptable for someone to behave badly so long as their nastiness is not directed at us. It is self-preservation in its purest form. We look the other way. Sometimes we even applaud it.

In the arts, we have long rewarded those who make a living by being nasty. Comedians, for example, often stand before paying audiences and hurl insults at the very people who came to be entertained—laughing all the way to the bank. Don Rickles comes to mind. Those who knew him personally insist it was all an act, that he was, in fact, a warm and caring man. That may well be true. Still, it is easier to appreciate the performance when you are not on the receiving end.

When I was in high school, my friends and I would occasionally skip cafeteria food and head to a fast-food place called Boobies. We would stand in line while the owner fired off sharp, nasty remarks meant to rile us up. It was part of his persona. When the “Big Boob” eventually passed away, the praise and affection expressed at his funeral were abundant. Once again, things were not entirely as they seemed.

Most of us can recall being confronted by someone nasty. How we handled it says more about us than about them. I remember being bullied in school. Those bullies were often acting out of their own insecurities, projecting their unhappiness onto others. A bully, however, is not necessarily the same as a nasty person. The motivations may differ, even if the sting feels the same.

I had my share of nasty bosses throughout my career; it seemed to come with the territory. There were times I endured their behavior because I had a family to support. At other times, the toxic environment became too much, and I chose to walk away. When I retired, I believed I could finally leave nasty people behind. Unfortunately, that has not been the case.

Like everyone else, I still have to find ways to deal with the nastiness that exists in our world. I have been confronted by nasty individuals well into their seventies and eighties, which genuinely astounds me. At that stage of life, one would think the rough edges might have softened, that whatever fuels such behavior would have long since drained away.

Nasty behavior is rarely the result of a single cause. More often, it grows out of a complicated mix of emotional wounds, environmental influences, and even biology. It can stem from fear, insecurity, unresolved trauma, or unmet needs—such as a craving for control or validation. In many cases, it is a maladaptive coping mechanism for stress, frustration, or private pain.

What unsettles me most are those who spread false rumors about others to prop up their own fragile sense of worth. When confronted with that kind of behavior, I have to pause, take a deep breath, and try to understand what might drive someone to act that way. In the end, however, I usually conclude that the healthiest response is to ignore them—as though they never existed.

Why tolerate abusive behavior when we are surrounded by so many people who are kind, understanding, and genuinely good?

It is not always easy. When leaders speak in harsh, demeaning language, it lowers the bar for everyone. In recent years, critics have pointed to the rhetoric of Donald Trump as an example of how public discourse can coarsen. Supporters may adopt that tone, and before long, nastiness becomes normalized—especially toward anyone who dares to challenge it. It can feel like a difficult time to simply be a decent person.

My advice is to rise above the fray. Call out nasty behavior, as our ethics and conscience instruct us to do—but do so without becoming nasty ourselves. It does little good to sit in a pew on Sunday only to spend the rest of the week tearing others down. That is not only nasty, but hypocritical.

We should strive for a world in which nastiness is not exalted, but where goodness, kindness, and empathy rule the day. That begins with honest self-reflection. Before calling out the faults of others, examine your own behavior.

After all, we cannot change the world around us until we first change ourselves.